Unlearning & Awakening to a Smile

yes i do believe it is time…can i just tell you what an awesome book is…
“angry little girls” by lela lee

we girls at the ‘tapshack’ watched Revolutionary Road today. it was uber depressing and uber real and good. a lot going on in that movie…probably a great book to read. alot of metaphors and a lot of cliches but said in ways and in the context where it could hit home and youd be like oh…yup…true.

can i be philosophical rigth now? well someone might read this. its late. i found in the past few days that going deep into my rebellious teenage side and facing the darkness i felt as a child and letting it come out in a rather safe place even tho simultaneously being completely misunderstood and as a child feeling invalidated well…somehow going to that place and letting it lead me to one of the darkest places i have been in well a long long time…changed something. maybe not big. but it was not like a huge light bulb or something but i felt like its an alternative way to see what you need to see. it was a way of surrendering to the fighting and resisting child within against those who wanted control, obviously out of caring intention but from a place of not understanding or willing to understand because of the irrationality of my following of my enigmatic coping mechanisms that are not foreign to any child i would assume that lives in a place that confuese their deep intuition and pressures them to thinking its NOT the safe place to go or listen to…what was i saying?? oh yeah in surrendering to the child and letting myself be the child i could see something i hadnt seen before. and ironcially i dont exactly know what that is except that i know more of what i want now. and dont want. i know that going back to that child was a necessary part of realizing me and fighting for me and my own self without the need for being understood or validated.
in fighting for me i was fighting for you.
a wise mentor once told me when i asked…what the hell can i do about all the suffereing adn death and war in the world? and he said something like, well what we see is reflections of us so why not figure out how to stop the wars and suffereing and death in yourself and teh answers to the world? i forget now…shut up.

blah blah blah. esoteric -ness smish…