Unlearning & Awakening to a Smile

WHAT DO I DESIRE?

I want to know peace throughout every vibration of my entire physical and nonphysical being. I want to understand the violence in me between my mind and body and spirit without making it my reality.
I want to let go of what I’ve let hold me down from my past and enjoy the freedom of newness.
I want to be able to feel other’s energy and let it flow right through me rather than attach itself somewhere to me.
I want to know when I need solitude and take it and be there for myself and then others.
I want to make a positive vibration in this world from here on out rather than add to the negative energy.

Specifically I want to end the bulimic behaviors and thought patterns associated with it. i want to end my thought patterns of being obsessed with self pity, victimization, binging/purging, addiction to food. I want to physically purify, cleanse, heal and nourish my body (as well as my mind and spirit).

I want to learn and adapt longlasting sustainable habits of self care physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i want to learn and appreciate discipline.
I want to be in tune with meditation and yoga.
I want to be less if at all judgemental of myself and others (as well as circumstances and expectations on the present moment).
I want to stand up for myself with my friends and let it be ok that im me.

I want to understand and find freedom outside the ‘me/ego’.

I want to lucid dream.
I want to be able to have powerful strength physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I want to be in love with myself with life and with everything and everyone around me.

Love you.

written on 7/17/2009 before family reunion

i have SOO much to be thankful for. i am so thankful for my knee injury

dude. seriously. so i am seeing this energy doctor and damn it i feel really down today. he said, you will have no more urges now to b/p i was assuming he meant. he asked if i felt more fulfilled? i didnt think so. why not? damn it. i wanna cry. i was munching on food all the f-in day dude. seriously i feel gross eating like that. not because i am fat but because doing this will make me so and will turn my body into ugliness before my eyes right when im starting to appreciate it finally. damn it. branka was saying, dont write down things negative. think positive thots. dont wel she prolly meant dont indulge negative shits. well then i think is this blog bad? i mean its for me to have verbal diarrhea to anyone who wants tor ead it. and maybe there is no one reading it and tahts ok. its mainly for me. to have at any time i can while on internet and for say my family, in particular parents, to know more of what goes on in my head./ does anyone really need to know all this stuff tho? really and truly? cuz after talking with branka im not so sure. is putting negative energy out into the ethernet not a good thing? maybe i should start a blog of…wait i can do it here. this is called Unlearninga nd Awakening to a Smile is it not? therefore i would like to unlearn negative thinking and smile smile smile. so my next post will be…positive thots.

recovery in random ways it seems…yes yes it does. about two weeks ago today i smashed both my knees into the ground. no health insurance so naturally i didnt go to ER or doc right away. i did go to acupuncture and was on self made bedrest for the past two weeks. i finally went to a free clinic and then a doc a few days ago finding out i have three fractures in my left knee. i took my brace off today ive been wearing 24/7 and its soooo weird to see NO MUSCLE on my left quad. what was once firm flesh is now just skin and fat? iguess?? no clue but its sooo weird. muscle disappears so quickly and just from not walking…and i still have another 6weeks to go not using it…soo weird. soo weird.

in the meantime however, i have been able to NOT b/p! yaya. yesterday tho starting my mooncycle was really hard. i wanted to eat everything that was fattening, sugary and carbs…and i did alot more than ihave been and well felt really bad about it and then did similar this morning. im feeling bad. why? i feel like there is a lot of unneeded meat on my body. why? cuz i see so many thin people that seem real healthy. so what? im going back to CT, land of my fears. good for me you say? damn it. fine. i dont WANT to face my fucking fears right now!!!!! i want to be peaceful here in asheville and be creative and artistic. havent i done enough? damnit.

going to atlanta today to see energy doctor. ok. and branka. she is beautiful adn i havent even met her yet. ok. shoot i packed my meds last nite before taking them…FIND THEM NOW! i will before i leave. gotta get my bike. and then im off…so im nervous about my period and feelingmy body again now that im not as immobile asi have been..damn.

ok. i gotta go.

i still love you. i still want to live. i still want to breathe and be present in my body.

…so i have just binged and am about to go puke. i really wnat to go first but after i puke i really have different thoughts about things and i need to write IN THE MOMENT! i need to write in the moment. ok so im wondering if this therapy i just started is gonna make a difference. im wondering why i feel so large and gross and am not small anymore but am normal sized (and weighed the most i ever have i think)-even tho i dont look fat i sure feel fat seeing other friends be on health kicks exercising and losing weight. whats beneath all this? at the gut level? hah irony. ummm i feel full. that makes me feel lazy cuz i dont wanna feel my stomach. that makes me feel stupid for not wanting to exercise. i feel like a loser and a failure not having a job, not having a house, not having a passion for anything in my life but having like a million different interests. i feel like a loser that i think about food more than i spend time with my grandma…who is 97 and prolly has so much to tell me. i feel incomplete. i feel sooo incomplete. and i dont wanna feel that so i eat food and it tastes good and reminds me of when i was little and it made me happy to look forward to and eat and stuff. and i can just fucking throw it up right? i mean seriously this is ridiculous. i need to go purge now so i dont absorb ALLL the calories…i constatnly wonder. do the calories take 15 minutes to absorb? do they absorb in the stomach or intestines? i have no idea. i have no fucking clue. i dont know if i wanna know either. i really dont feel like sticking my hand down my throat…it hurts now to do that…soreness i guess and its a pain in the ass to do…tiring really. and now its fucking late and i dont know what i wanna do tomorrow and im just nervous about backpacking and stuff…and FUCK. i am soo restless and wanna do yoga but dont wanna hav eot go buy a pair of yoga pants at the store cuz then i have to look at my body adn try on clothes that will probably not fit right away so ill end up feeling bad…im projecting my past onto my future arent i. shoot. umm i really just need to vent right now so bear with me k. thanx. im torn. what the f do i do with my life? im so restless. i want to have a passion. i want to find happyness in each moment. i want to become strong and enjoy life from moment to moment. i tell epople when i teach yoga its not about the results and yet when i think about doing it i feel shitty that i havent done it in a while because im not strong and feel like itll take forever to get strong and then i just wanna eat or sleep or something and feel sorry for myself even tho that is somehow really miserable. anyway im gonna go puke and then head to bed.

and last nite was the first time in SEVERAL months where i didnt b/p on the full moon even tho my energy was crazy as usual..i think going to bikram adn then reading in bed was helpful…yesss

ive been working on being “sober” from b/p again…ya know i try every once and a while and i went to a therapist 2.5 days ago at all souls and i guess i wanted to see if i can stay sober until the next time i see her which is wednesday. its been hard because im still eating stuff that would be considered part of a binge, i just am deciding before eating and during that NOPE p is not an option, nor is the b. so i had icecream after dinner and this morning i had a few bites of icecream before breakfast and for breakfast my roomates made frittata and french toast and i had some and then chocolate…and normally yes and i m having great urges right now. yep. but im staying here on the comp and then im gonna go clean my room…yep. i need to do yoga today..no classes today BUT i want to clean my room so i can do yoga in my room. thad be great. and hopefully find my ipod so i can charge it and then eventually sell it…thad be nice.

anyway. im isolating myself rightnow from the black metal brunch at the punk house im living at..why? cuz im not interested in their conversations and dont feel like sitting around…unles im on the comp pretedning to look for a job.

i want a job. i would love to teach 4th graders actually. maybe i should look into getting a degree in education. i think ill look into that now. and i think looking into foodstamps being unemployed thad be helpful…anyway. im not going to b/p right now. the wed nite support group was helpful. one woman said, “when your tempted, remember what you were like at the very bottom, you dont wanna go there…dont even go there” and its helped me so far. even tho my days seem more boring cuz now i have more time in them…but eventually i will take up time either being or going outside and such. for now it is what it is ….gaining weight or not i am. yep. i am. and thats ok.

for an hour session? id say thats affordable…finally being unemployed, ,yeah suddenly since my last entry right? well i think that was the last day besides today that i hadnt b/p’d. today i didnt even tho i ate a whole bar of chocolate tonite…iz ok ya know. iz ok. i went last nite to a support group and ya know i was sitting there thinking this is a bunch of shit. why am i here and being shy, not saying a word and beinga ll negative and then a voice in my said, lydia, shut the f up and just start talking. let yourself be vulnerable to these guys and just see what happens. and i did adn i softened. just like that. yep. vulnerability has a way of softening moments in life and making them well ok and not so bad anymore. like oh yeah guess what guys i am real and you are too and we can all be a mess cuz beneath this stuff we are all freakin amazing. and i got inspired. to be there and to be with these other women who have been struggling alot longer than me but who i can understand. i can understand them and they can understand me. what a relief. again, like being at tapestry. we can understand each other. and its like a relationhisp with a cat i think this support group will be…patience and time…but eventually the cat softens and you can be near it and enjoy a purring sensation when you pet it…and you become good for each other…but it doesnt happen like with a dog…nope not at all..but its the subtleties that make it worth continuing on and through that life happens and is a good thing. im feeling optimistic. had a pretty wellif im labeling the day a pretty good one id say…went to the therapist, who goes to church but ya know, i think i can work with her, she seems to know what she’s doing and thats refreshing…and i can accept what is. and that is what is and i can be soo grateful for the $5 a session and professional opinions and help and hw…yeah. what was i talking about? why did it say 11:30p in the kitchen and on this computer it says an hour before that…oh well, either way. oh yeah i went to bikram again, spent the day with michael from trails and his newer friend liz who is an amazing woman, jewelry maker, and photographer and i mite be able to move into her amazingly beautiful place in montford of all places…yep i pretty much manifestee this place…and onlhy frm writing what i wanted like 2 days ago…power of intention and being open to opportunities id say…yep. anyway yeah so im in a decent mood, have a massive headache prolly from dehydration from bikram yoga which im gonna go to hopefully everyday until i go to ct…mmm…gonna go for now…havent put a thing down in moodtracker for quite some time now…gonna go check that out…

nope i havent. and i am on my moon cycle. i feel more beautiful in my body than i have in a long time. well i guess more accepting. i havent b/p in over a week…and before that i was well a few days. last shift off (im still doing wilderness therapy 8 days on 6 days off) i b/p’d a few times. i actually wanted to this tuesday but then decided nahh. and since then well the urge hasnt been that great. whichi s great. i dont really know what has changed or what i can do to keep this up really. i mean, i know i need to keep on top fo stuff. i haev a therapist appt with all souls counseling, i have another testing apt sept. 10 before going to ct to backpack with papa. im super excited about that. itll be a nice way to end the wilderness job to be in the wilderness with my papa and no kids to worry about. just to hink about the beauty and stellar time im having with family. yes. and i can see meme and be more present with her…i was not at all at the fmaily reuinion in july. i wonder how much time i have before the laundry is done at the laundry mat…is that what its called? i dont know. i wanna go to a support thing soon but someday not now i guess. im moving out of my house in a few days. i have a lot to do. i wanna wash my car inside and out. i need to pack up all my shits. i need to get my deposit from amanda and the futon and chairs at that house. i need to get the furniture otu of the deaverview house too. im getting kicked out of the punk house because im not there enough…so they dont know me well enough and want someone who can be more invested time wise in the community house and make it a real social scene…which i dont even think it will be when i leave because everyone is soo busy all the time anyway. but i think its a good thing im moving on because i need cleaner spaces and more inspiring energy around me…tho that room was pretty awesome…i think ill keep looking for more rooms now…on craigslist…toodles.

sigh. a double here. im strong. i am good at my job. i am exhausted and i ahve another week to go. i work wilderness therapy. i had to restrain an asbergers girl who was quite large 5 times this week and then i had another girl “run” and had to follow her off base and figure out how to put kids on watch and keep kids from cutting and process fights and shut downs. i had to keep up spirits when everyone felt like crying or yelling at each other. i had to call the girls out when they were hurting each other verbally and i had to organize each day to make sure everything was running smoothly and that we were getting every thing done with every girl that needed to be done. im so tired and i have 8 days more to go. that is better than 12 days which it was a few days ago. this time i will have good support starting friday and for the next two days i will work with a good friend who is super energetic and crazy fun. i feel like i can relax a little come friday and let the new field director know how im doing and let him lead a few days to take a break. i am so thankful for my costaff this week. he is super cool and was awesome doing comps for me one day and taking night checks for me two nights. i think i might need to go transfer and get more meds for the week and write up the 10 or so incident reports of restraints, and refused meds, etc.