day 2, starting again…i fell and got back up. October 23, 2010
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i went 4.5 days without sugar and then bombed the next 3, had a good day, and then bombed another day. and by bomb i mean b/p, not just eat a little sugar. BUT, alas here I am back here again, writing, starting again, getting up after falling. the past two days have been definitely more encouraging though. i wonder when Ian is getting back…i hope soon so we can hang out. I wanna do something outside of the house i think, not sure what. i do need to clean my room though maybe i should do that before he comes back. yeah…i can write more on here later and having a clean room is more a priority for me right now because of when i can do it. so i must part for you right now i will return in a bit to write more. oh yeah, p just had his mom send me my journal from the residential. it was good read a little fo what i went through there and get back to seeing what i was learning there and such. i need to do that again. i will do that again-review and learn stuffs. i will learn A7P for the NCETMB and i will pass and enjoy my new job at massage envy. woohoo!…
day 4, no sugar. coolio… October 16, 2010
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I am on day 4 of the no sugar program. yesterday was really hard. i was good up until the end of work when i snacked on some chips and two bites of pizza. then i called my bf ian and told him i would make him dinner. as i was driving home i suddenly had a mini anxiety attack and realized it was no longer an option to be around any type of food at that moment. i had to decide to let go of my promise to make dinner and do something for myself, to calm myself down. before this program i would have immediately gone home and started a b/p cycle. but as that was not an option because i couldnt have any sugar, i went home and did an hour of a free power yoga class online. it was great. it didnt completely RID me of my anxiety but i had to breathe through it while working on challenging yoga poses and i was challenged to breathe into botht eh physical and emotional sensations i was experiencing. it was a good reminder of why i chose to do this program and i am very thankful for the support not only from the program but also from ian. this is working and it is sooo much cheaper than going back on meds or going back to residential. it is great to fight through something with support and feel more self confident and encouraged. i have also had a lot of ideas about changing things in my life and oding new things and i also credit that to the combo flower essences i am taking. Flower essesnces are da bomb. if you are interested in finding out more about that lemme know!
Andrea Roe’s story. October 13, 2010
Posted by blurrylines in addiction, awareness, blame, bulimia, depression, help, recovery, searching, searching for answers, shame, smiles, sugar abstinence.add a comment
I found her story through MentorConnect. I am part of that website.
www.youarenotalonebook.com is the website where i found her story. That is actually the name of her book, which i haven’t read but it is probably quite interesting. It is filled with success stories from other ED survivors. I like that phrase, ED survivor. I am working on that. I am surviving ED and conquering it. It feels much more hopeful. On her blog, she interviews a mother who helped in the healing process of her daughter’s anorexia. What i liked about reading the interview was the myth that you can never fully recover from an ED but that you can actually be recovered. This is not like alcoholism where you are recovering for the rest of your life. you can actually recover. i love that and totally believe it.
Why? because for one, i was not always struggling with ED (eating disorder) or even disordered eating. my struggle with bulimia started AFTER college. before college, i struggled with depression and lo self esteem. last year tho i actually talked to a health professional that told me he thinks i didnt really struggle from depression as much as anxiety that i simply repressed all the time adn it manifested as depression. so i consider that i probably struggled with both. sure why not.
i dont like labels i tell myself but it has been very easy over the years to label myself as ‘a mess’, ‘seomthing wrong with me’, a victim to depression, bulimia, etc. i think it is somehow easier to be a ‘victim’ because you are not responsible for what is happening. but i AM responsible for this. of course i dont want to BLAME myself or be hard on myself. whatever habits we have as humans i think are just ignorant or naive ways we think we are taking care of ourselves or dealing with life. unfortunately sometimes the habits become ingrained before we become educated about the distruction of certain habits. but hey, nothing is new under the sun. for example, the Romans were bulimics. they would have vomitoriums in between feasts. that was crazy to read about once. dont quote me on that but im pretty sure i read that somewhere-look it up i fyou are curious.
anyway, enough of that. i am writing today because i want to remind myself that i dont have to continue like i have the past few days of being in darkness feeling like i have to agree to everything the ED tells me to do. i woke up today after a very discouraging first day on the sugar support program http://www.sugar-addiction-book.com/classes/ (there is a link also to the site to the right of this page). i ‘failed’ at day 1. i ate sugar and then let myself use that as an excuse to b/p. oh well, today im starting fresh and it feels good.
i do not have all my ducks in a row BUT i am getting them one by one in a row and reminding myself that organizing your ducks takes time. its ok to be patient when it comes to recovery.
GOLD STARS FOR TODAY:
*smiling
*sending in both my application for my massage license and for the NCETMB test
*writing on this blog
*doing part of the grounding hw for the sugar support program
*reading Andrea Roe’s story and being encouraged by it
* realizing that i can fully RECOVER from this ED and depression/anxiety stuff
*being thankful for where i live, my life right now, and my jobs
*teaching yoga this morning even though i was exhausted from a rough nite
*deciding to make some yummy quinoa burgers later so i have good meals in the fridge that are sugar free
* deciding to pick up more in my room before work today
*eating a great lunch and planning a protein snack for later at work so i am not tempted by the treats there
well, that’s it for now. ill write again tomorrow. this will be one of my grounding exercises this week, to write in my blog or write somehwere as a journal. thank you for sharing this with me. its good to know that we are tender humans, all seeking peace, contentment and joy and knowing that it is always at our disposal is cool.
sugar abstinence project -here we go! October 11, 2010
Posted by blurrylines in addiction, awareness, bulimia, depression, presence, recovery, smiles, sugar, sugar abstinence, support, support program.add a comment
woot woot. i like being a part of projects or programs -more self help things i mean. because i am good at them. i am good at completing lists, doing what im supposed to. im not as good at doing things on my own, creating my own programs, etc. BUT apparently this 6 week program is going to help set me up for success im told. its about creating habits, not just from abstaining from sugar, that will nurture me, support my freedom into living life and no longer self sabotaging or harming myself through b/p, depression, etc.
ok, so i received a discount in trade for writing extra about my experience…this is a win win situation for me because now i can afford to do this wonderful sounding but super hard program AND i love to write. good combo.
the first session is tomorrow. its a phone session, one hour long, with other women who are doing teh program too. we get a book, a workbook, and we have to read the book and do exercises from the workbook everyweek. the phone session is withe author of the book and founder of www.firstourselves.com so thats pretty cool and we have to do the wkbk stuff BEFORE the phone call-for me that means doing it today. heheh. good thing a client cancelled on me so i have a few extra hours…
this is what i need to write about…
<<For this first week, you might simply share why you want to participate in the class, what you’re afraid of, what you’re excited by, who encouraged you to do this, whether you’ve taken similar classes before, what you’d hope for yourself by the end of this class, and why it matters to you in your life now, October 2010…>>
So, why do i want to participate in this 6 week, sugar abstinence,’Growing Human(kind)ness’ program? Well, first of all, let me be raw. I am in transition and the bulimia thing SUCKS! I am not making much headway these days. I have again found my apathy spark-heheh, ironic phrase, in terms of life and meaning and change. Course, I am not letting my apathy get the better of me. I have known for about a decade now that food affects me. It wasnt until end of college that I started making better choices about what i ate and saw the change but ironically thats also when i got caught in the web of ED, eating disorders…It was a time of transition. and again i find myself in transition, am scared shitless about myself, my life, etc. but this time i have so many more guns to shoot -i just need that extra support AND i need some stability. i think the stability will come externally from first STOPPING sugar-my main trigger, and then using the program to create healthy routines, using the accountability and support and encouragement of the other women to try something new and hopefully continue this after the 6 weeks are up.
To be honest, i m more scared about the program ending than actually doing the program. i think i can do, im good at being todl waht to do, like i said, the hard part is continuing it on my own.
No one encouraged me to do this program. This was a self decision thing, which is big for me because a lot of my life i have gone to others to ask them their advice (to make the decisions for me ie.) but this time im choosing this program, im choosing abstinence for my own sanity, to prove to myself that im worth it and that i have as much potential as i tell the studnets in my yoga class and the struggling kids in my brain training job (google: LearningRx -awesome program!).
I am excited to feel stable again, i know being off sugar helps -i was sugar free for 3 weeks in january and felt great…and then with no support and transition happened i fell really really hard. so im up to the task again, this time with the guns of accountability and support. bring it on!
i also just graduated from massage school friday so now i get to put into practice my healing techniques-i need to use these on myself so that i am more effective as a Natural Therapeutics Specialist and massage therapist and yoga teacher.
oh yeah, im also scared about christmas and traveling which i will be doing when this 6 weeks ends-thats scary. and thinking about no sugar ever again-i definitely have not comet o terms with that and am not ready to. but this is the first step and im proud to say i am taking it. feel free to do it with me…
look it up at www.firstourselves.com. a great website with great resources not just for sugar abstinence but also healing from overeating, binging, other eating disorders and food ‘stuff’ in general.
love is all you need. so im learning that with myself to survive and live.
February 4, 2010
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hi, i dont know if this will make any of you uncomfortable but i wanted to share because it feels really good to realize this stuff…
i am part of a recovery website for eating disorders and i wrote in my blog on it tonite…here is what i wrote….
i just wrote you the three things.
and then i went ot mentorconnect and wrote this in my blog. thot i would share it with you. i could be discouraged because almost for two weeks now every nite i have b/p which is HUGELY different than being abstinent for soo long in these past months. YET i feel like im getting closer to coming out of this ED cloud and moving on with the sun.
here is my writin gfrom tonite.
title: why bulimia is helpful to me.
is this a shocking title? well yes it might come across as so because well arent we ALL in recovery from an ED of some kind, me for one from bulimia. so then why would i write that bulimia has been helpful?
well i think that perhaps we all at heart are good intentioned. yes. that might be true. of course everyone comes from a differnet place and world view. this particular one about humanity has been the most helpful to me recently so im gonna run with it.
if we are all good intentioned, then what we choose to do in life comes from a place of seeking goodness and love, yet in the only ways we know how (and a lot of times that is not the best ways or habits).
i had a therapist when i was in residential for bulimia, and she thot that if we were to find what was helpful about our distorted coping skills, i.e. ED then we might discover other ways of getting similar benefits yet without the selfharm techniques.
so how has bulimia been helpful to me?
-its a really really hard question to answer actually. well, bulimia has been an escape and yes i think escapes can be good things. seeing a good movie when your stressed that puts you in a good mood. why not right? taking time out of your day to meditate, it can be looked at as an escape to some people. isnt our goal to ‘escape’ our thots and go beyond them to the reality underneath/above/around/etc? to get to that place of stillness where thot is not our only reality.
its interesting how semantics plays such an important role in our day to day existence and defining of reality. even in high school being told by a mentor and therapist that i could look at depression not as something i was but as something i struggled with. the simple changing of the words created a whole new opportunity for me to take one step outside of the reality i had created around myself.
so bulimia, it makes me happy to eat food that is sweet, has fat in it, and is filling. it reminds me of childhood when i would cook with my friends after school. we loved following my mom’s recipes and smelling the different spices. it was such a fun activity. i later used that love of cooking to be a cook at a yoga school in mexico for several months which i thoroughly enjoyed. it was sooo fun to give back to the community where i lived and worked and loved!
so food reminds me of happy times. there is a sense of nostalgia around it. so why eat sooo much at one time? well ther eis that feeling that i shouldnt be doing this so cant do it again (ironically i do it over and over and over again).
how else is bulimia helpful?
well i am an introvert so it gives me an excuse to be alone. it is such a strong impulse when i have that urge that i am not as afraid to make excuses to my friends to be by myself so i guess it can give me a sense of firmness about boundaries in a way. when i HAVE to b/p (wheni tell myself that anyway), i make SURE it will happen.
how wonderful would that be to use that same energy to make SURE i take care of myself at nite and call a phone buddy every night instead of b/p.
the energy we use for our EDs is sooo beautiful. it is just misused. there is no need to get down on ourselves. sure i am a little more encouraged right now writing this and maybe later i will be very discouraged but why not write when im encouraged right? who knows someone out there might read this and it might ebe helpful.
i guess what i want to say is yes this recovery thing is fucking hard and sucks. but perspective and semantics can totally change around our sense of reality and make life well completely different.
what if we all realized our EDs were a blessing in disguise in our lives. our coming to realize we need to recover is beautiful in itself. and NOW we can see that all this energy we have been placing in a very specific area of our life can be REDIRECTED and used for soo much good in the world. we have sooo much potential beautiful people!! soo much. and the fact that we are willing to recover from some negative selfdestructive habits is awesome because now we have a new resource to make ourselves and the world a better place.
i feel like im preaching now so maybe i will stop and take care of myself by cleaning my room to create space to breathe and be, organziign a few things and getting a really good night sleep tonite. i luv you all. how can i say that you might ask? because as a human being realizing her own potential and the potential of love in my own existence and that of the communal society as a whole i am deeply encouraged by the fact that humans, every single one of us deserves to be loved deeply simply because we all have potential. used or unused matters not. we are limitless and love is the source behind the bud that opens up into an exquisite flower. goodnite.
-flyds
sugar cravings and dirty bathrooms January 3, 2010
Posted by blurrylines in Uncategorized.Tags: abundance, bulimia, depression, journey, thankful
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ok so i decided to see if i could go off sugar for a month. to see where that would lead me because i have noticed that i have a really deep attachment to sugar and through that have felt complete and utter lack of self discipline (seeing as bulimia is symptomised as impulsive behavior). i also have noticed that i am so used to eating sugar anytime i THINK of it that several times i would eat sugar i didnt even want it.
the other thing is that i live with a roommate that makes a mess in the bathroom (toilet in particular) and i have gotten angry and very resentful toward her, even though she would probably not even know as her culture has completely different ideas of cleanliness.
i have been researching sugar cravings, i am stopping dairy too as per my physician in virginia. i dont know if this is drastic. it sort of feels drastic yet at the same time i wasnt eating too much dairy before unless it was in a dessert or with something really sweet.
i am nervous, why? well because there is so much attachment to sugar that goes way beyond a simple craving. it saves me when i feel down (mind you for about a split second when i concentrate on how it tastes when i am enjoying it), it crushes and punishes me when i feel unworthy, it blocks out any and everything i am willing to block out whenever.
those are the really negative parts to it. but it is also nostalgic reminding me of childhood, it is a good friend because i love it and so it makes me smile thinking about it, it is very social (baking with friends), drinking sweet and or alcoholic beverages hanging out and simply going out to eat, several times in class i have been offered sweets as well-i somehow feel like i need to accept without thinking about refusing but there are always people who refuse the food and to no ones detriment or insult.
i want to take care of myself. but as i think about the past, taking care of myself was a completely selfish act, to look better, to look prettier, less frumpy or chubby (even though i know better than that its hard to change perspective and believe other wise a lot of times), to be better than others…
i have found that in the process of self betterment in the past i become very judgmental of any and everyone around me who lives the way i wish i could live but feel guilty living, like skinny attractive women eating chocolate cake, a friend who is really active, or who isnt active but has trouble losing weight rather than gaining,
it feels like a constant battle of comparisons which is an endless chasm of neverending dissatisfaction because there will always be a better and a worse. and according to the polls even if i can be above average im not the best, the prettiest, the happiest, etc. so i tend towards feeling like a failure.
how do i change this?
i think community is really important. i think support is really important. i have avoided doing a 12-step program the entire time i have struggled and now am in recovery for bulimia. why? the higher power aspect of it i guess. the cultish feeling or the following without question like religious people do, like i did most of my growing up years, i can see that i dont trust myself to try things out without attaching my identity to them.
i can see that i attach my identity to what i believe, to how i live, so that when it is ever in question, criticized, or even complimented it affects my self worth, most of the time to detrimental effects, why? because I am the one putting judgment on it and then i tend to believe what i tell myself, what i think.
we have millions upon millions of thoughts streaming through our minds day in and day out and we choose which ones to listen to and believe. why i choose some over others?
of course there are hundreds or at least a large variety of causes to what i am struggling and have struggled with in terms of depression, anxiety, and eating disorders throughout my years of growing. does figuring them all out cure me?
do i need to know the answer to everything to change?
right now my shoulders are tense, ive been telling myself to do yoga, i dont have TP so i have to go to the store and spend money to buy some, the toilet in my house is really dirty cuz my roommate made a mess and didnt clean it, we dont have a vacuum cuz we cant afford one, or rather have chosen NOT to spend money on it, my lower back has tense trigger points…ok so thats a lot to complain about but there are Sooooo many more things i can be thankful and grateful for in my life.
my car has been wonderful for me these past few years, i have a great living situation where i spend hardly any money on rent and utilities, i go to a fun school to learn massage therapy, i have wonderful loving friends who are always willing to offer support, i have the most amazing family i could ask for, there are always opportunities to love and act selflessly everyday, so many smiles are given to me throughout each day, i am relatively healthy even though i dont have health insurance, my knee is healing and i can walk (i didnt need surgery from teh fractures), i have a mind that works well and can process and study and learn, i have a computer, a car, access to food, people who can support me in any way i ask…
thankyou for allowing me the time and energy to write out and process a little of what is going on for me right now. i feel so much more processing to come and i think sitting still and being will be very helpful.
i said i needed to go around 9p to go home, do some yoga, and sleep so i think i will. thank you for listening, reading, and let go. i am learning boundaries myself and want to let go of anything negative i dont need. if there was anything in here, just let it go. i am doing well and there is no need to worry. life is abundant and i am and desire to learn more about how to feel and live that way.
i think i just wrote this yetserday… December 18, 2009
Posted by blurrylines in Uncategorized.Tags: animal cards, animals, bulimia, christmas, depression, family, gratitude, roadrunner, thankfulness, triggers
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ANIMAL CARD MESSAGES
Roadrunner: main message for being here in Albuquerque, NM
Keep your sense of humor, and don’t take things too seriously!
12/04/09
after two days of being rather stressed and afraid of not having enough money and not wanting to give up opportunities to do things I love in order to make $$.
Wanting to pick three cards about my situation:
1: Manatee (Dugong): Accept the situation as it is rather than fighting to change it
2: Boar (Pig): Face your problems head-on with confidence and courage, and you will emerge victorious
3: Rattlesnake: The experiences that you’re presently going through are an initiation into fulfilling your purpose as a healer
Thankyou. As I finish typing this, African music comes on and I wanna dance!!! Yay!!!
120909
As teachers we teach what WE really need to learn. 
121709
just went to smith’s and bot whipped cream, oreo cake, apple fritter, almond bear claw, walked around for like an hour. Kept thinking about what I was about to do, why I was doing it, what I would feel like, going to family soon, proving sarah wrong.
Came home, sat in the car, at a bit of each and then threw them all away in the dumpster outside my house. None of them tasted good at all yet I still had this urge to stuff my face. Wasn’t as strong when I knew I could taste them and then throw them away even though I was wasting money by just tasting them. I still feel bad sort of for eating what I did and eating the chocolate and stuffing my face earlier today with the bran muffin from jess and then eating all that popcorn at the movie…BUT I feel really proud of myself for being able to sit here and not having done the bulimia thing.
I picked three animal cards.
1: CARDINAL: The polarities of your spiritual pursuits and physical pleasures are out of balance, so do whatever is necessary to bring them back into equilibrium. (its interesting because walking around the store, oh yeah and of course I snuck some yogurt covered pretzels into my mouth in WFM and at Smith’s—anyway its interesting cuz I was thinking about what Digby said about slow suicide. I was thinking about what branka said about just STOP!! And wondering why I wanted to eat sweets so badly. I was thinking about how good it seemed like Patrick was doing and how he talked about quality of life with yoga. I thought about yoga a lot. I thought about how it wouldn’t make me lose any more weight to do that and how I would probably feel more ashamed to do it and then it would prove Sarah right about the meds. I thought a lot about the meds and how I DID NOT want to go back on the meds and how I wanted the flower essences to work.)
2: CHIMPANZEE: Use both your intuition and your intellect to solve the problem or get answers to your questions. (I like this because I had to use intellect to argue myself out of binging and purging tonite. I also had to use my intuition and im not sure what part of the decision was my intuition. My intellect and intuition worked hand in hand as a team tonite so that’s cool too and im one step closer to recovery…so that’s cool)
3: ZEBRA: Let go of your fear and know that you are safe and protected at all times (this is really really cool because I have been reading “Heal Your Body” book and its all about letting go of fear and reinventing your thoughts that have caused, apparently certain issues or illness or problems or whatnot in your body. A lot of them are affirmations that I have been reading particularly about feeling safe in myself and the world)
FACTORS THAT COULD HAVE AFFECTED MY URGES TODAY:
-feelings of rejection from Jon, about him not calling, changing his number, coldness, sex, etc.
-stress around hanging out with Caroline
-stress around asking Robin to charge only $5 for a session, feeling sorta guilty about that
-stress around listening to Digby and how he seems trapped by and in his disease of addiction
-stress around going home for Christmas
-guilt about not feeling up to par in my status of being in shape
-stress about lates at school
-stress about dream about teacher basically failing me even though everyone else passed and I couldn’t get her to understand my situation without being way overwhelmed by it
-stress over the way I act and am prideful in class and seem to be arrogant
-stress over not feeling balanced/grounded when I give massages
-stress about not knowing really how to tutor or teach yoga
-going to a stressful movie thinking it being based on and adam and eve like story where the women are more evil than the men sort of thing
-stressed a little about religion and feeling ungrounded
hmmm. its december. i remember. December 1, 2009
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why havent i written in so long? well for a long while i was somehow thinking this site was only for verbal diarhea but NO. of course not. its for expressing myself in any and ALL forms whether it be pooping on the page or dancing across it. i feel like dancing across it these days. have you heard of flower essences? many people think its just placebo effect but HEY it works for me. email me if you wanna know more about it.
what i want to remind myself of everyday that i can!! October 15, 2009
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WHAT DO I DESIRE?
I want to know peace throughout every vibration of my entire physical and nonphysical being. I want to understand the violence in me between my mind and body and spirit without making it my reality.
I want to let go of what I’ve let hold me down from my past and enjoy the freedom of newness.
I want to be able to feel other’s energy and let it flow right through me rather than attach itself somewhere to me.
I want to know when I need solitude and take it and be there for myself and then others.
I want to make a positive vibration in this world from here on out rather than add to the negative energy.
Specifically I want to end the bulimic behaviors and thought patterns associated with it. i want to end my thought patterns of being obsessed with self pity, victimization, binging/purging, addiction to food. I want to physically purify, cleanse, heal and nourish my body (as well as my mind and spirit).
I want to learn and adapt longlasting sustainable habits of self care physically, emotionally, and spiritually. i want to learn and appreciate discipline.
I want to be in tune with meditation and yoga.
I want to be less if at all judgemental of myself and others (as well as circumstances and expectations on the present moment).
I want to stand up for myself with my friends and let it be ok that im me.
I want to understand and find freedom outside the ‘me/ego’.
I want to lucid dream.
I want to be able to have powerful strength physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I want to be in love with myself with life and with everything and everyone around me.
Love you.
written on 7/17/2009 before family reunion
its been three weeks and counting…yay! October 4, 2009
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i have SOO much to be thankful for. i am so thankful for my knee injury
